Cranky’s guide to getting faster

Whether you’re the one suffering at the back of the Weekend Coffee Shop Express or a faux racer putting the hurt on everyone else, you want to be there when the hammer comes down. As for me, I’d prefer it if no one picked the hammer up to begin with, but that’s a topic for another column.

Each of us wants to improve in our sport, and we’re all suckers for that magical secret that will take us to the next level. While it pains me to see others taking advantage of vain and gullible consumers, it pains me more to see them getting rich doing it, so I’ve decided to get in on the action. The full version of my training and fitness plan will cost thousands of dollars, but I’m pleased to offer you, our readers, a preview of my revolutionary system, guaranteed to catapult you from where you are now to somewhere else. It’s not very scientific, if by scientific you mean repeatable and based in fact. But let’s be honest, none of this stuff really is. I can personally vouch for its effectiveness, which is to say I’ve been following this plan for years and I’m not dead yet.

Nutrition: Most people eat too much. That’s why they’re fat. This is true of cyclists, too, which is why cycling clothes are stretchy. The good news is that losing weight and staying lean is very simple: just eat less than you are burning up. The problem is that most cyclists over-eat to compensate for the calories they think they’re burning. They don’t recognize that they probably have enough stored body fat to ride the TransRockies on half a cranberry muffin. If you’re serious about losing weight, go to bed hungry. You will be in a foul mood all the time and your family and house pets will pack their bags and leave home, but you will get thinner.

Hydration: The need for adequate hydration has been over-hyped. Unless you have two copies of the triathlon gene on chromosome 21, you don’t need to drink every four minutes while riding a bike. In fact, in temperatures under 38 degrees Celsius, two full bottles should last you at least eight hours.

Many riders have been scared into drinking too much while riding. This is detrimental in many ways. First of all, if you’re full of water or some type of sports drink, you can’t sneak up on anyone going up a hill. The sloshing sound will either tip them off to your presence, or they’ll think they’re being chased by a waterbed wearing bib shorts and they will accelerate away from you out of fear. Furthermore, even if you are strong enough to catch and pass them, remember that each litre of water weighs 1 kg. How much money did you spend back in April to shave 1 kg off your bike? Exactly.

There are many advantages to limiting your fluid intake. You won’t need to relieve yourself during the ride, giving you the opportunity to attack when the rest of your group stops for a ‘natural break.’ You and your bike will be lighter, so you will have a better power-to-weight ratio. Best of all, you will earn the right to give yourself a cool nickname like ‘The Camel’ or ‘Parchy.’ For those wishing to engage in advanced low-hydration training, plastic food wrap can be used under the cycling clothes to ensure that no fluid is lost to sweating.

Training: Ride every day, for as long as possible, as hard as you can. Stop for nothing, not even red lights, unless they are flashing and accompanied by sirens. Limit alcohol intake during the week and drink in moderation on weekends. In keeping with the principle of periodization, every six weeks, take a “drinking week,” during which you increase alcohol consumption and reduce training hours to remind yourself that there’s more to life than riding a bike.

Rest: You hear a lot about the importance of rest days. The whole concept of a rest day is ridiculous. Rest is what you do at night when you’re lying down, after you’ve done that other thing you do at night when you’re lying down. Any additional rest is unnecessary. Rest is for the weak, or at least it used to be, before it was demonized by so-called sports scientists and qualified coaches.

Getting better at anything takes discipline, and cycling is no different. If you apply my system and stick to it, you will be hungry, thirsty, irritable, lonely and on your way to developing a binge-drinking problem, but you’ll be faster than fast up the local hill. And that’s what we’re all after in the end, isn’t it? Thanks—that’ll be $200.