The absolute worst person on Earth, the Shift Shamer
Just a low-level kind of human being
Cycling apps and tech have come a long way. You can pretty much analyze every aspect of your data you want, and then some. Sure, you can check your watts, your heart rate, distance and time–but there’s plenty more, as most people know. If you’re worried that your left and right leg aren’t matched up in power output, you can check out your pedal fluidity. Even more fun, on many apps, you can check out how many times you shifted. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Getting into the right gear is key to being as efficient as possible on the bike. It’s not only about your comfort, but maximizing every bit of power you put into those pedals. Too big of a gear, and you may bog down, too little, you’ll spin out. But then there are those who may be a bit of a nosey parker and scold you for too many shifts. How is that even a thing? Shift as many times as you want, it’s not like you’re paying per tooth.
Seinfeld, Episode 25, “The cassette player”
George and Jerry are sitting on the couch. George flips through the channels, as Jerry takes out his Garmin. Jerry scrolls through it.
George
(sniffs)
You, ah, go for a ride this morning?
Jerry
Yes I did. And a pretty good one, I might say.
Jerry shows him his Garmin.
George
Wow. That’s some pretty good watts. And that average speed. That’s, ah, pretty quick.
Jerry
What about you?
George
What about what about me?
Jerry
Your ride.
The door opens. It’s Kramer.
Kramer
(nods to George, then Jerry)
Fausto, Eddy. Come stai?
Jerry
Good. George and I are just comparing rides.
Kramer
Oh man. Let’s have a look.
Jerry shows his Garmin.
Kramer
Whoa mana. That’s some good numbers. Some gooooood numbers.
Jerry
C’mon George, let’s see
George
I don’t wanna.
Kramer
(to Jerry)
Come on now Jerry. If George doesn’t want to show his “training” ride, he doesn’t have to. We are a judgment-free zone.
Kramer
George, you can show us your ride when you’re ready.
A beat.
George whips out his Garmin. They both look at it.
Jerry
Well that’s a fine ride. Why are you so worried? I mean, it’s not as fast as mine, but a decent ride.
George scrolls through, then abruptly puts it away.
Jerry
Hold on a minute. Did you shift…1,600 times in one hour?
George
Maybe.
Jerry
1,600 times? How is that even humanly possible? That’s like a shift every—
George
(frustrated)
I couldn’t find the right gear, OK?
Jerry
1,600 times though? I didn’t even shift half that and I rode three times as long!
Kramer
Jerry. Easy. If George wants to shift every two seconds, that’s his business.
Jerry
(to Kramer)
1,600 times? Six. Teen. Hundred?
A beat.
George sulks.
Kramer
Now look what you’ve done. You’ve…shamed him.
A beat.
Kramer
You’ve Shift Shamed him! You’re a Shift Shamer!
George lights up.
George
He’s right! You’re a Shift Shamer!
Kramer
Shift Shamer!
They follow him around the apartment, like an episode of Game of Thrones.
George Kramer
Shift Shamer! Shift Shamer!
The door opens, it’s Elaine. She takes one look at the proceedings and turns around, closing the door.
Elaine
I need new friends.
