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This is the absolute worst person at your local crit

The kinda behaviour that should be banned

Ah, the drama of your local crit. The posturing. The pre-race chirps. The tension. Then, action gets underway and shit hits the fan. The early moves by those who may be overestimating their fitness, only to pay for it later. The cagey riders who sit near the front but are careful not to give it too much. The old guy (cough) who breaks away, trying to relive his youth, only to stay clear for maybe 30 seconds before getting reeled in. No matter what part of the country you’re in, there’s always a cast of characters and similar tactics.

If there are some teams there, they may employ tactics, marking riders, sitting on in breaks, all that jazz. If someone tries to take a surprise flyer, they may even yell “up!” so one of their teammates can chase them back.

But then there’s that one guy who yells “up” every time someone tries to do a sneaky break…but never actually chases him down.

Meet the Break Snitch. The Break Snitch is an awful human being who sits mid-pack and lets everyone know when someone is trying to get away. But they never actually jump after them, do a pull, or even ride at the front.

Someone launches on the left? “UP!”

Someone counters? “UP!”

A rider tries to attack on the right? “UP!”

Not once does The Break Snitch actually contribute to the race. They just like to call people out for kicks. It’s like some kind of weird fetish to ruin people’s chances of getting ahead.

It’s one thing to call out breaks if you’re going to actually chase them down, but if you’re not, well, maybe consider a vow of silence.

SEINFELD Episode 18, “The crit”

INT. Jerry’s apartment – day

Jerry and George sit on the couch, still in their Lycra. They both look spent after having raced their local crit. George has a bit of road rash, poor guy must have bit it and is nursing his injuries with a post-ride glass of Bosco.

Jerry takes a swig of Gatorade, then slams the bottle down.

Jerry
Every time I tried to get away, Newman yelled “up!” So annoying.

A beat.

Jerry
I’ll tell you what he is.

George
What is he?

Jerry
He’s a snitch. He’s a break snitch!

George
Yes. Yes he is. He snitches on breaks!

Jerry
A break snitch!

Kramer walks in, looking sullen.

Jerry
What happened to you? I didn’t see you the whole race!

Kramer
I got DQed for crossing the yellow line.

Jerry
But there wasn’t a yellow line rule. It’s a closed course!

Kramer
Well that’s what makes it so frustrating!

Just as Jerry goes to close the door, in walks Elaine. She’s beaming.

Jerry
What are you so rosy about?

Elaine
You know that guy? The cute one in the Rapha jersey?

Jerry
Well now you’ve narrowed it down to two dozen 43-year-old men.

Elaine
The winner? Of the. Big. Crit?

Jerry
Yeah.

Elaine
(singing)
Guess who got his numberrrrrr?

Jerry Seinfeld end credits with Larry David's name