5 reasons why the Tour de France Femmes was the absolute worst race to watch
A cycling fan’s take on the 8-day event
Thank gawd. Finally, it’s over. Demi Vollering takes the yellow jersey, and the 2023 Tour de France Femmes is done. The last eight days have been the longest of my life, frankly, watching this race.
See, Uncle Matt has stuff to do: other articles, reviews, deep dives and super-important think pieces. I can’t be expected to be glued to the TV every morning watching all this dramatic racing. It’s not fair to me, or cycling fans who have other things to do. We can’t be expected to put aside all of our other tasks to watch every single minute of this race. It’s a lot easier to just check out the results and highlight reel sometimes. But no. This is not possible with the Tour de France Femmes.
1. Way too many nail-biting finishes
OK, I can only yell so many times. My throat is still sore from screaming at my computer for some of these stages. Stage 6 was a prime example. Emma Norsgaard, why do you do this to me? When you, Agnieszka Skalniak-Sójka with Sandra Alonso were away, I was rooting for your break to survive. But then it was clear you’d all be swept in. Alonso got dropped, and then it was just you and Skalniak-Sójka with 15 seconds at the 2 km to go banner. Game over, right?
Nope! Skalniak-Sójka got caught and you took an amazing win, holding off the field. Why do you do this to me?
Emma Norsgaard earns Movistar its second 2023 TdF Femmes triumph
Same goes for Stage 3. Julie Van de Velde was juuuuust ahead of the charging field. She had ten seconds on the pack. The Belgian got caught with 200 m to go, and Lorena Wiebes took the win. All these guys on Twitter keep telling me that women’s races are supposed to be boring. Why can’t the races at the TdFF be a little duller? Is that so much to ask?
2. Those unpredictable mountain stages
Don’t even get me started about this. When a solo rider is away at the start of one of the most famous ascents in cycling history, they get caught. When the chase group is only seven seconds away, they are supposed to crack and then limp to the line. Did Kasia Niewiadoma not get the memo? When you’re about to be caught, you don’t speed up! And you certainly don’t ride yourself into the mountains jersey and a podium spot.
Demi Vollering conquers Tourmalet to take control of Tour de France Femmes
By the way, ASO, I get that you dig drama, but the added FX was a bit silly. I have no idea how you managed to schlep a fog machine onto a mountain, but your little attempt to make an already gripping stage even more exceptional was kind of overkill. The sight of riders going full gas in one of the most memorable stages in recent years, but also cutting through the clouds seemed a bit much, OK?
3. What’s with the changing of the guard?
Marianne Vos and Annemiek van Vleuten are supposed to win everything. I don’t like change. Things should remain the same. Seeing world champion van Vleuten suffer up the Tourmalet, and Vos having to withdraw makes me think, “Why can’t the same winners win? Why do we need all these new champions to root for?” Now I have to stan all these other pro cyclists. It’s just a lot to ask out of me.
4. Where are the flat and boring sprint stages?
Like I said, I have a list of stuff I have to write. In the men’s Tour de France, there’s nothing better for my productivity than to have some 200-km pancake-flat sprinter’s stage to play in the background. A break gets away, we all know it’s doomed, it gets caught, and boom, a sprint between the usual suspects. I don’t really need to watch it, and I can get on with my day. Why can’t the Tour de France Femmes adopt this tried, tested and true strategy? Why does every day need to be exciting?
5. A time trial for the last stage!?
I’m sorry, what? No offence to Greg LeMond, but a time trial on the last stage? What’s wrong with a nice, easy ride into the finish where the yellow jersey doesn’t have to stress? They cruise along in the pack, have some champers, take some photos, then let the sprinters do their thing. A 22-km TT where the yellow jersey could (but didn’t) have a bad day and lose their lead? Whose idea was this?
Well anyway, glad this is all over. I can have some chamomile tea and try and relax for a while. No more stress and anxiety over stage finishes or yellow jersey battles. And I have a full year to recover before the next edition of the Tour de France Femmes. I’m going to need it after this last week of racing.
This article is clearly dripping with satire, but since it is the Internet, and you’ve made it this far, it is imperative to point out that the author absolutely loved every minute of the Tour de France Femmes.
