Larry David tries to understand the Tour de France (and fails)
The comedian cannot curb his enthusiasm for how the G.C. works
Curb your Enthusiasm, Season 12, Episode 5
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
Larry David is sitting on his couch, flipping through TV channels. Jeff is sitting beside him checking his phone.
LARRY
(Confused)
What the hell is this, Jeff? Where is the football game?
He squints at the screen, trying to make sense of the peloton snaking its way through the roads of France.
LARRY
(Pointing)
Look at these guys. It’s like a bunch of synchronized cyclists in colorful tights. Is this a parade or a race?
JEFF
(Sighs)
It’s the Tour de France, Larry. It’s the biggest bike race on the planet.
As he watches the pack continue on, Larry seems more perplexed by the tactics.
LARRY
(Pointing at the screen)
Why are they riding so close to each other? It’s like a human accordion. I’d be terrified of crashing into someone’s spandex. That would be awful.
LARRY
(eyes his crotch)
And there’s no way all that cycling on those little seats is good for…
Jeff goes to the kitchen and gets some popcorn. He returns and sits on the couch.
LARRY
(Waving his hands)
Hold on, now what’s happening? Why is that guy riding away from the others? Did he forget the route? Does he need a GPS?
JEFF
No, Larry. He’s attacking. Trying to break away from the peloton. It’s strategy.
LARRY
(Shaking his head)
Strategy? So you’re saying these guys are planning a spandex coup?
As the race continues, Larry becomes increasingly baffled by the various jerseys, team tactics, and the concept of a sprint finish.
LARRY
(Pointing)
What about this guy? Why is he wearing a polka dot jersey? Did he win a bingo game on the way?
JEFF
(Sighs)
It’s for the best climber, Larry. The one who is leading the mountains competition.
LARRY
(Confused)
The best climber? What’s next, a jersey for the best hair?
JEFF
You know, the yellow jersey is the leader, right?
LARRY
Of course, I know! Having said that, the winner of the race doesn’t have to win every stage! What’s the point of wearing the yellow jersey if you don’t win every stage?
JEFF
It’s about the overall race, Larry. It’s three weeks long. Consistency.
LARRY
(scoffs)
Consistency? I don’t care about consistency. I want winners!
Larry mimes putting on a yellow jersey and pretends to pedal around the living room.
JEFF
(mockingly)
Oh, look at Larry, the yellow jersey winner, sprinting to the fridge for a snack.
CUT TO:
EXT. LARRY’S BACKYARD – DAY
Larry is in his backyard, and has changed into a yellow t-shirt.
CHERYL
Larry, why are you wearing a yellow t-shirt. I’ve never seen you in that colour before.
LARRY
(smirking)
I’m the overall champion of the Larry David Tour de Backyard. Doesn’t matter if I don’t win every stage. Just have to be pretty, pretty, pretty good.
CHERYL
(sarcastic)
Wow, impressive. You must be exhausted from that grueling climb over the patio steps.
LARRY
Hey, it’s about the big picture, Cheryl. You wouldn’t understand.
CUT TO:
INT. LARRY’S KITCHEN – LATER
Larry is talking to his manager, Jeff. Jeff throws him an actual yellow jersey.
JEFF
Larry, I got you that from the bike shop, since you enjoyed watching cycling so much.
LARRY
(disinterested)
Oh, great. What am I supposed to do with it?
JEFF
(mockingly)
You could wear it and pretend you’re a consistent winner.
Larry stares at Jeff, unamused.
LARRY
You know what? I’d rather wear a jersey that says, “I win every stage or I don’t bother.”
FADE OUT.
You can watch the season 12 trailer for “Curb Your Enthusiasm” here, btw:
