The absolute worst person on a group ride: The Euro training-camp bro

Winter in Canada is long and not particularly great for cycling. While most of us suffer through long miles on the trainer, or just give up on wheels and enjoy the snow, a select few are lucky enough to head to far-flung, often near-tropical locations, chasing warmer weather. Those who head to Spain, France or Italy instead of the southern U.S. have a way of bringing parts of the culture back with them. But there’s a specific type of person who then can’t help but rub it in our frost-bitten faces and trainer numb behinds on the next group ride. 

This is the Euro training-camp bro. As if constantly dropping reminders that they can afford to scoot off to Spain for weeks mid-winter wasn’t enough, the Euro training-camp bro has to reference the trip with generalized continental affectations and absurd “rules” they picked up while enjoying the sun. Enough. We get it. You went “to Europe.” But buddy, at this point, you’ve spent more time talking about it than you actually spent riding over there. Leave it be and let us enjoy the ride!

Episode 29: The Water Closet

George, Jerry and Elaine sit in the diner, full spandex. The waitress drops off coffees. Jerry has a single shot of espresso, Elaine a black coffee and George has a giant cappuccino.

JERRY
So, you’re really just going to do that? 

GEORGE
What? Do what? 

JERRY
That’s a cappuccino. 

GEORGE
Yeah, I like the foam. So what? 

JERRY
It’s after noon, that’s what. 

GEORGE
And what does that mean? I can’t have my afternoon coffee? You’ve got expresso right there, too. 

JERRY
First, it’s esssspresso. Second. Come. On. Everybody knows you can’t have milk in your coffee after noon. First you drag me in here to drink this swill, this dirt water, this common filth. Now you insult me by adding milk? This is too much. 

GEORGE
Who exactly is this everybody?

JERRY
Everybody! Everybody knows this! 

GEORGE
You know, ever since you got back from Europe, you’ve been acting different. A little… holier than thou. You think you’re better than me because I don’t use Vaseline in my shorts? 

JERRY
Chamois cream, it’s…

ELAINE, interrupting
Wait, you were in Europe? When? 

JERRY
Yeah, Kramer and I were in Europe. I’m doing that fondo this summer, so I needed a training camp. 

ELAINE
Yeah, yeah, the Fondo, we know. You’ve told us. But where were you? You can’t go to Europe. 

JERRY
What do you mean I can’t go to Europe? I’m not allowed? 

GEORGE
Well, I for one, am starting to wish you hadn’t. 

ELAINE
No, you’re allowed to go to Spain. To France. To Portugal. But you can’t go to a whole continent. They’re different places. Different people.  

Kramer slides into the booth, his chest hair protruding from an unzipped $7,000 Assos skinsuit. The other three stare at him. 

JERRY
What is this? What on earth are you wearing? 

KRAMER
Assos. Cost me a fair bit, but it’s Swiss and it feels like it’s part of me. You know, I get a free 0.7 km/h from this baby, easy. 

JERRY
It’s 20 degrees outside. You can’t have bare legs! And at least shave!

KRAMER
But the sensations, Jerry! The sensations are unreal! I feel smoooooth as a leopard. Ready to attaquer. 

JERRY
Watches one stage of the Tour on NBC and he thinks he’s Phil Liggett. 

ELAINE
Le Tour, mister Continental. It’s Le Tour. Those Europeans are French

KRAMER *waves hands*
FULL GAZ, BABY, FULL GAZ!

JERRY
Suit yourself. I’m going to the water closet, then we’re riding. 

GEORGE
It’s the BATHROOM. 

JERRY
Why do we call it the bathroom here? I’m not taking a bath, am I?

ELAINE
You’re not exactly getting water, either, though. Are you? 

GEORGE
It’s not a supply closet full of water bottles. 

KRAMER
Oh, water. Say Jerry, can I borrow one of yours? I threw mine at this guy who cut in front of me on the way over here. Just *hand motions* zoop, right in front of me! 

JERRY
Yeah, yeah, help yourself.