Meet the absolute worst person on a climb: The Hillibuster

Go out for a spin with other people, they said. Jump in on a hilly group ride, they said. It will be so fun, they said.

Riding with your pals is fun, unless one of them is a hillibuster, which is related to a filibuster.

A filibuster is a political tactic employed by one or more members of a legislative body to extend discussions on proposed legislation, with the intention of delaying or obstructing a final decision. This strategy is recognized as a means of impeding progress within a legislature or any other decision-making entity. Basically someone gets up there and just blathers on for hours. On an episode of The West Wing, a politician once read David Copperfield to kill time. That sort of thing can happen IRL too. Louisiana’s Huey Long once had a 15 hours and 30 minute filibuster. His secret? He read Shakespeare.

This is the absolute worst person at your local crit

The hillibuster is that rider who is so damn fit he can climb with ease. And they know it, as they will just chitter chatter away as you huff and puff, unable to reply. You’re struggling to hold their wheel, and they are just going on about their son’s science project. I mean, they could at least pretend to suffer, right?

Seinfeld, Episode 26, “The hillibuster”

Kramer walks into Jerry’s apartment, visibly annoyed. He plonks his helmet on the kitchen counter. Jerry puts his cereal down.

Jerry
I take it you had a good ride.

Kramer
Sure.

Kramer sulks around the couch. Elaine walks in.

Elaine
Hello boys! Do I have a story for–

Kramer
Well if you must know, I did not have a good ride.

Elaine
But I was just–

Kramer
Yeah, you wait your turn missy.

Elaine
(rolling her eyes)
Missy?

Kramer
So I’m out on the Bagel ride, you know the one that starts at 95th Street and Broadway?

Elaine
Wait, there’s a group ride called…the Bagel?

Jerry
Yeah, it’s called that because they used to always meet at this old bagel store, on the corner.

Elaine
(furrowing her brow)
There’s no bagel store there.

Jerry
(taking a bite of cereal)
Yeah, it’s a bank now.

Elaine
So why don’t they call it the bank ride?

A beat. Jerry and Kramer look at each other, shaking their heads.

Kramer
Well anyway, none other than Feinstein shows up—looking fitter than ever.

Jerry
The dentist?

Elaine
The lawyer?

Kramer
No, the Rapha rep.

Jerry
Oh, that Feinstein.

Kramer
So we ride over to New Jersey, you know, and well I’m feeling pretty good so you know, I’m sort of pushing it along the water.

Jerry
Right.

Kramer
And Feinstein, you know, he’s right there with me when we get to the climb, you know, right by the river.

Jerry
I love that climb!

Kramer
So Feinstein and I, we start going up it. And he starts really giving it.

Kramer mimes standing on his bike, moving side to side as if he’s standing.

Kramer
And you know I’m doing like 450 watts. 450 watts, Jerry. 450!

Jerry
Lotta watts.

Kramer
And Feinstein just starts talking. Talking! Telling me some story about some race he did in the Hamptons last week. And he’s barely breathing hard. He was sticking it to me! He was reallllllly sticking it to me.

Jerry
So he’s talking away, as you are grinding up the hill? That’s disgusting.

A beat.

Elaine
(to herself)
It’s like a filibuster, but up a hill.

Jerry
Yes! That’s right.

A beat.

Jerry
He’s a hillibuster! He just talks and talks as you suffer.

Kramer points excitedly at Jerry.

Kramer
Yes! He hillibustered me! He’s a hillibuster!

A beat.

Kramer
I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. Did you see that sweet new Trek Domane+ ebike? You can barely tell it’s got a battery. I’m gonna show up with that beauty and teach him a thing or two. Ebike, Jerry. EEEEEEEEEEEEEbike.

Jerry
Oh yeah. This is going to go well.

Elaine
There are bikes with batteries now?

Kramer
Well, yeah.

Elaine
Get out!

Kramer falls down.

Kramer
My quads!