Oh, the Stat Bragger, the most annoying cyclist you’ll ever meet

Ah, the Stat Bragger, that elusive character in the world of cycling who just can’t resist the urge to turn every ride into a data-driven drama. You’ve probably encountered them on your favorite cycling routes or at the local coffee shop, still wearing their sweat-soaked kit and that smug grin of superiority. Or maybe you see them posting their data on Instagram. They are the kind of person that would post their FTP on a bumper sticker if it were socially acceptable.

You see, the Stat Bragger is a breed apart. They’re the ones who’ve transformed a normal training ride into a competitive laboratory experiment. It starts innocently enough, with a casual inquiry about their ride.

You: “Hey, how was your ride today?”

And that’s when it happens. The Stat Bragger’s eyes light up, and they dive headfirst into a sea of numbers and acronyms that might as well be hieroglyphics.

Stat Bragger: “Oh, it was fantastic! I averaged XYZ watts, held a 20-minute FTP test, and snagged three Strava KOMs.”

You nod, desperately trying to comprehend what just happened, while secretly wondering if you should’ve brought a notebook and pen to this conversation. But it’s not over. The Stat Bragger has more in store.

Stat Bragger: “And let’s not forget my cadence. I stayed between 90 and 100 RPM like a total pro, all while maintaining a super optimal aero position!”

At this point, you’re contemplating whether you’ve entered the Twilight Zone of cycling. What started as a simple question has become a marathon of data points and achievements. You begin to question your own cycling existence.

You: (internally) “Am I even a cyclist if I don’t have a power meter, Strava, or a personal cycling statistician?”

But deep down, you know the truth. Cycling is about the joy of the ride, the thrill of the descent, and the freedom of the open road. It’s not about turning every ride into a competitive data dump.

So the next time you encounter a Stat Bragger, just smile and nod, acknowledging their dedication to the numbers. And as you pedal away, remember that, in the end, it’s the simple joy of cycling that truly matters, not the wattage or the heart rate zones.

Seinfeld, Episode 76, “The Power of the ride”

INT. Coffee Shop Near a Cycling Trail – Morning

Jerry and George sit at a table by the window, nursing their post-ride lattes. They’re still sporting their cycling kits, a badge of honour for the early morning miles they’ve logged. The sun casts a warm glow on their faces.

Jerry

You know what really grinds my gears, George? Those cyclists who just won’t stop talking about their power meters and Strava stats.

George

(nodding) Oh, the Stat Braggers! They’re everywhere, Jerry, and they can’t resist showing off their watts and KOMs to anyone within earshot.

Jerry

You ask them how their ride was, and it’s like opening Pandora’s Box. They start spewing numbers and acronyms like it’s a secret code.

George

(imitating a Stat Bragger)

“Oh, Jerry, I did an incredible Ramp Test this morning. Check out my FTP! And I did it all while sipping an espresso mid-ride!”

Jerry

“Mid-ride espresso”? George, who are these people, and why are they turning a leisurely bike ride into a science experiment?

George

And don’t even get me started on their heart rate zones. “I spent 78 per cent of my ride in Zone 2.” Who cares? I’m just trying to avoid hitting a squirrel on the trail!

Jerry
(leaning in)
You see, George, cycling is supposed to be about freedom, the wind in your hair, and the journey on two wheels. But these Stat Braggers turn it into a data-driven dissertation.

George
(snorting)
Yeah, and they make you feel like you’re not a “serious” cyclist if you’re not tracking every metric known to mankind.

Elaine bursts through the coffee shop door, her cycling helmet still on.

Elaine
(excited)
Hey, guys! Guess what? I finally bought a power meter for my bike!

Jerry and George exchange exasperated glances, realizing that even their dear friend Elaine has fallen victim to the allure of cycling statistics.

Jerry
(feigning enthusiasm)
Oh, Elaine, that’s… great!

George

Yeah, just what the world needed, another Stat Bragger.

As Elaine starts excitedly explaining her power meter’s features, Jerry and George exchange resigned looks, realizing that the Stat Braggers have infiltrated even their cycling sanctuary.