The No. 1, foolproof way to cheat to get a Strava KOM

Why did you click this? Was it out of some strange curiosity as to what Uncle Matt would write, or do you really want to know how to cheat your way into a Strava KOM?

If it’s the former, fine, I’d click it too. But if it’s the latter, you should really start a long conversation with yourself. Look inward. Why would you want to cheat to get a Strava KOM? And did you really think that this semi-reputable cycling writer would besmirch his semi-impeccable reputation by giving tips on how to game the system?

Flagging greatness

We’ve all seen those KOMs that are usually flagged. The dude that goes 80 km/h up a hill. Heck, I even saw someone do 37 W/kg in a Zwift race recently. It’s actually a funny thing to watch. You see someone pass by you at the speed of sound, and then you see their numbers on the tab. In seconds, their name is highlighted red and poof! They get removed.

Zwift racer banned and fired after cheating like an absolute maniac

Cheating in cycling is nothing new. I’m not even talking about doping, but finding ways to get ahead. Riders have hidden in bushes to avoid the early parts of races. You can fake a flat to get a free lap in a crit. If you’re really inspired, you can pull a Rosie Ruiz and jump in a team car and go to the end and jump out for the win.

How to cheat in a bike race with the stickiest bottle you’ll ever see

I mean, it’s all really stupid, but I guess cheating IRL seems better than for some silly clout on a training platform, right? At least if you break the rules in an actual race you’ll get some flowers and $20, or maybe some useless cycling prize you’ll never use.

Tough answers require tough questions

So why would you try and steal a KOM you don’t deserve? Did you suck at sports in highschool? Maybe your parents didn’t tell you they loved you enough? Did a cyclist break your heart? Are you trying to impress your friends by being the fastest on some segment they have never heard of? Why on earth are you even considering this?

Don’t get me wrong, I think Strava, and even KOM segments can be very useful. They are a great way to monitor your training by giving you benchmarks. Every now and then you can give it a rip up your favourite climb and see if you’re getting any faster.

Be kind to yourself, grasshopper

Uncle Matt is here to tell you that you’re fine, just the way you are, and you don’t need to fake your weight in Zwift, manipulate data (like some have done, only to be caught) or drive your car in a Strava KOM.

You’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and doggone it, people like you.